TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Of course, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town historically recognized for historic lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be large. Huge!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed within the Placing green inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the best. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely from position. Built by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour till the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable water. But yes, positive, let's have One more position where by American men can wear robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though preceding negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: offer you Every person a set to the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


Based on files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is smooth energy," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It's not that Trump should not open a tower in the war zone. It's that he ought to prevent utilizing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested concerning the undertaking, replied, "You already know, person, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent folks. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that Trump Tower Damascus the resort's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head visible from House, a function staying promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents as well as the chin is… nicely, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following acquiring the developing's gold plating reflected much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not simply ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Bewildering Options


Probably the strangest ingredient of your tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium in which guests may perhaps ponder vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, total with local weather Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Community Syrians are Doubtful what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Technique: "When you Bomb It, They can Arrive"


The advertisement campaign, recently leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Endlessly."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "wherever's the nearest elevator into the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is by now attracting interest from Global buyers, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll invest in a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree may also include:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to find out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a resort wherever my PTSD might have transform-down service."


Another post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reviews counsel:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to construct a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It needed gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped just like the Structure. I gave everything a few. You might be welcome."

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